I drift off again. GASP again! I rush for air. What the hell..... Third try. I quickly fall asleep again from exhaustion....again, I wake up in a semi-state of fear. I keep forgetting to inhale. Why? What is this?
I begin to get worried. This happened to me before in the past few days, but it was never this extreme. Every 5 minutes or so I pass out, stop inhaling, and quickly wake up gasping and panting. I am worried. I hope this doesn't end with me in the hospital again.
My crappy room is stuffy and hot. The AC barely works. The shape of the room, think pizza slice, begins to close in on me. I feel trapped. Trapped in a hot box. Can't breathe right. My chest feels heavy. It is as if inhaling takes all I got, while exhaling is way too easy to do.
I sit up in the dark. I look at my phone.......I know I shouldn't. I've been down this road before long ago. I give into my curiosity and concern and search the web for medical answers to my symptoms.
Eventually I reach wikipedia's sleep apnea page. Sudden gasps, in and out of sleep, yes yes, my grandpa has sleep apnea, hmmm, maybe I have it too, .... can lead to heart problems in the future, sleep disorders, huhuh..........and sudden death. ..............................Sudden death. I can go to sleep tonight.....and wake up in Valhalla tomorrow (what?! ...It's my story). I close the phone and try to not let it get to me. But the seed is planted, firmly and deeply into my subconcious. Sudden death....
I now am too concerned to go to sleep. What if the painkillers are to blame? I've been taking 3 per day for a whole month. It's a lot. I am always drousy. I remember hearing they slow down the breathing. Did I double dose maybe? I am pretty sure I did not. Could it be a result of taking so much for so long?
My breath gets shorter and shorter until my lungs only take in very small short bits of air.
Help is on the way
Then....almost as if they knew from some mysterious instinct, my brother messages me on chat and my best friend in Italy shoots me an email. I begin to tell both my situation. They without question begin researching the meds and their sideffects as they reason with me trying keep me calm. I end up calling my dad meanwhile. He tries to keep me calm and understand the situation. He thinks its anxiety. I think it is something worst. He keeps talking to me. No one knows me like my mom and dad. He uses that kindness and comfort he gives everyone in tough times to calm me down. I have always admired that about him. Strong as steel, but always good and caring to the core.
I hang up with my father. Something in me tells me to let it all out. I start pacing in my room. The weight on my chest is terrible, and the thought of dying in my sleep keeps me from laying. I pace and pace thinking one negative thought after the other. Then I think, what if it is anxiety. I've had anxiety attacks in the past....they never felt like this. It can't be....but I give it a try. I get on the path that leads to the realization of some of life's hardest truths to swallow. But its the path I need to take.
Conversation with my Window
"Look at me...." I begin conversing with myself. "In the middle of Japan alone. Without anyone near that cares. Watched by all my friends, family, strangers....even the local news....all waiting to see if I make it to the end. I don't think I can do it. I am going to let everyone down....myself first and foremost. First my collar bone....then on my first day of walking, my foot goes. This is too hard. You are unfair world. You are SO cruel. So disgustingly cruel. Full of terrible things...people hurting each other, animals devouring each other, elements destroying everything, why?! Why do you have to be so cruel world?" I ask looking at the window, arguing with it all, trying to find some reason to the suffering. "Everybody hates everybody. Everyone judges. Everyone. Then you let peopke get hurt and you take the few people I love away from me. Just like that. As if they were just another piece in your goddamn puzzle. I am not worthy. I'm just a nobody. A dot. All this.....crossing the length of Japan, it was all for nothing. All to simply prove something to myself... all that hard work just to make it on your stinking radar, world. For what? You don't care you cruel bastard. I always tried to go the extra mile, figure it out for the good of the whole, ponder, hypothesize, think. Then....the one time I actually DO instead of just dreaming about doing........you gather all your weapons, the forces of the universe, down on me. Trying to make me fail. Pushing down with contempt and superiority, as if to say "Stay down Fabio. You don't belong up here." .....I don't care. You win world. You are stronger. You were right about me all along."
...................I blow my nose and calm down. I can breathe. No more heaviness on my chest. I can breathe. Wow...that actually worked.
Action in the Subconcious
Behind the scenes, back where my conciousness cannot reach, strife had been building up. First the accident, then becoming immobile for weeks, then getting back on the road only to realize my body is falling apart just from one day of walking. The fears, the insecurities, the anger.....it was all back there somewhere. Combined with chemicals from the painkillers, I found myself on a long winding path to a crisis of the self.
The Dream
Most people think dreams are a sign from upstairs. I see them in a much more simple fashion. They are the subconcious telling the concious how to behave. You have a long drive tomorrow....you dream of a car accident (be careful). You are having trouble with your girlfriend....you dream she cheats on you (leave her, she doesn't really care).
In my case, long ago, sometime at the beginning of my trip, I dreamt. I can't tell you what exactly, not because it is personal, but simply because I don't remember enough of it. It all came down to this though: if you do something, the door will lock, and you will forever remain inside.
Tonight, right before falling asleep for the first time, the door finally locked. It was a small room. Triangular in shape. Ah....these are the worst dreams. The ones you have right before going unconcious. The ones that incorporate your last sight with the impossible. So you think it is all real. It was my hotel room that locked for good. I was to spend eternity here.
That was it for me. I was done for. The profound understanding of having caused my own demise, my own failure unleashed the flow of anxious thoughts that were building up. It seems that the old enemy from my past, anxiety, the one that decided to come find me creeping into my room in the dark...is not my worst enemy afterall. No....as usual, one's worst enemy is always one's self.
I think in life, our destiny is both written by the universe as well as ourselves. The part you do control, its quality, its level, and its purpose, that is completely dependent on you and what you want to make of it.
I now write from my hotel room. I survived the night afterall. My only real problem, a panic attack. My door still opens. I opened it a thousand times today with all the errands I did actually. Works like a charm every time. I also talked to my mom today. There nothing more comforting than hearing my mom's voice and all her motherly wisdom as she tries to make sure I am ok. I was promised lasagna upon my arrival. I just want to say this one for the record. By the way, my favorite food is lasagna...and my mom's is legendary.
Anyways, try to listen to your dreams next time with a different point of view. You might find something useful. As for me, I am still not sure what door locked last night in my dream. Nor do I know what monumental mistake on my part caused it. In time I'll figure out that one too.
But, I'm glad that's over for now. There is no worst battle to fight than one with yourself.
.......unless you're fighting a lion of course, in which case then, you are probably screwed.
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