Afterthought

Well....I am home. I've been home. I was going to write how I managed to get myself back to Miyazaki and its airport....but instead, I will tell you what happened after.

I left Japan. A different man came home. One used to zero stability, no familiar places and faces. The sky was my only roof, and the sides of the road my only walls.

It is strange to be back. Before leaving, I told myself...warned myself..."You know.....this is going to be even harder than reaching Sata." Prepared myself for the next challenge. A life without adventure, defined by small spaces and redundant monotony. The enemy of all determination. What keeps you going.

I warned myself. And now I am here. Jet-lagged...tired...and a bit depressed. The endorphins are leaving, the rush from the trip starts to fade...all begins to be just... memories. The videos, the pictures...all I got left. How many times have I looked at them already. That moment on Cape Sata. I know almost all the words already.

But I have become different since. I don't care anymore about a lot of things. What people think for example....I was always different in Japan. Stuck out like a sore thumb...and it did me some good. I also don't fear failure anymore. I failed at a lot of things there. I failed at reaching my finish line in time...one whole month late. Failed at raising enough money for disaster victims....only raised a meager $1755. Failed to ever pay back most of the people who helped me out along the way. But......I finished with a broken shoulder, a broken bike, and a hell of a lot of satisfaction and pride. So, it is better to have the finger pointed at you...to end up being the crazy old man who tried and failed...than to be just another wave in a sea of cowards who think they know better than you.

I am putting all my cards in line now...slowly. Lost so much sleep because of it....listened to the same song for two straight days on constant repeat, to feel the same emotion over and over till I felt sick. Cutting loose ends...opening all the doors I have always been too scared to open.  It is tough to sleep in my house. The roof is low, and the windows are always shut. The feeling of being trapped comes back from time to time. I woke up twice already, suddenly sitting up scared....looking around, not knowing where I was. I could not recognize my room anymore...it never happened before while in the many random places I slept in Japan.... I wonder why of all places...I can't recognize my own space.

But, in my beautiful prison, I have begun to notice just how much I have changed. I have become brave. So brave. All those cold nights, wondering in the dark alone in the middle of nowhere, helped me in the end after all.

I finally said goodbye to a very important person. An old love. The oldest one actually. The first. The most special one, probably in my life. I will keep most of this story to myself...as not everything needs to be told publicly. I have never had the courage to talk to her, or reveal my true feelings for that matter. The ocean between us never helped either. But... once back, I realized I had to accept that she was never going to be mine. And let go. Live for today...and tomorrow....not yesterday. So...I told her everything. Down to the last detail. What she will write back....I don't know. But anything is fine. Even silence in an answer.

The last weight on my shoulders is now gone. I am finally ready to live to the max possible. One more hardship turned into one more medal to put around my tired neck. Will I make it to the end? I don't know. Hard as it may be to climb...as high as this mountain may be...I already know, that the farther up I go, the more beautiful the view will be...and the faster I will fly down.

Sometimes in life, you have to get your hands dirty. Sometimes you have to take a few punches and break a couple of bones. Sometimes, you have to fail to know how good the victory at the end feels ...and understand just how beautifully imperfect you really are. But you always....always always always, have to believe in yourself to make it anywhere in life.

Destiny is both written in the rules of the universe...and written by ourselves. The part we control...that's what we need to worry about.

Shoot for the stars.

Have your head in the clouds, and your feet on the ground...and in the end, you'll be the tallest one around.

And, live like you are dying...because you are.

I am completely broke now. $104.30 to my name. But I have not one regret from my journey and challenge. A hundred bucks in the bank, a broken economy, and thousands of dollars of student loans at the gate. But I will show the world what it means to go from nothing...to the highest dream, in one lifetime.

Goodbye.